By Myia Lane
To some, the recovery process of healing from domestic violence simply may involve walking away and moving forward. However, the process requires much more. Many survivors do not identify their strengths, nor are they ready to process the grief associated with ending certain relationships. Abusers come in the form of spouses, relatives and friends, and survivors oftentimes feel “trapped,” “incompetent,” or “helpless and hopeless” due to the significance of the relationship.
“How did I allow myself to get/stay in a situation like this?” they may ask themselves. “Why did I stay so long?”
In recovery, we work with survivors on their domestic abuse healing journey to help them forgive themselves. They are not to blame. They trusted someone who disrespected and abused that trust. So, the recovery looks like them choosing to take a moment to let it hurt, giving themselves grace to embrace their emotions and not feeling guilty or objectified by them. Then, it involves self-empowerment in our forward progression, which is a continuous process.
At this stage, survivors often are asked, “What does choosing you without your titles look like?” It is hard to be forward-focused when they still have strong attachments or feelings; however, choosing safety is the goal. So, what strengths can they identify within themselves? For some, the only strength they have is, “I took a shower and brushed my teeth.” That is enough.”
The recovery process is a “you” journey. It should be centered in self-preservation and self-awareness. Learn who you are as a person. Utilize coping skills, such as 4-7- 8 breathing (a technique where you take a deep breath in for four seconds, hold it for seven seconds then breathe out slowly for eight seconds), and make them a daily routine. Incorporate journaling in your schedule, and make these actions habits.
For many survivors, the war within themselves is the toughest one to fight. Yet, for recovery, it is worth it. Connect with resources for therapy, social enjoyment and self-care. Your recovery needs you to be balanced. So, yes, you want to take care of your obligations while planning and securing safety; however, take time to restore your trust and enjoyment in yourself as well.
Myia Lane, LMSW, is an adult counselor with the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence. Reach her at (228) 436-3809.