I don’t think anyone would argue about the extreme difficulty of being a family caregiver, whether it is caring for an aging loved one, perhaps with dementia, or someone with a disability. But imagine caring for someone who is verbally and/or physically abusive, or just plain mean. This makes an already arduous task even more challenging.
Over the past few weeks, I have observed caregivers venting about this topic and requesting suggestions for coping. Some of the stories brought me to tears, but other times, the tales of abuse and entitlement made me angry. Although I have not experienced such levels of abuse, some moments in my caregiving journey have made me question my desire and ability to continue being my parents’ primary caregiver.
On a few occasions, I’ve had to pause and remember that my parents are still human beings with emotions, needs, desires and flaws. This reminder has made me adjust my approach.
On a few occasions, I’ve had to pause and remember that my parents are still human beings with emotions, needs, desires and flaws. This reminder has made me adjust my approach. I try to account for their individual likes, dislikes, quirks, senses of humor, priorities, preferences and triggers. For instance, I must gently ask daddy to get up and get moving in the mornings to prevent a confrontation. It’s different with momma; I can just tell her it’s time to get up.
Several thoughts came to mind as I read the harrowing stories of fellow caregivers:
- We do not have to accept abuse from anyone! However, if the behavior is out of character, explore the cause with members of your care team. An underlying medical issue could be to blame, and some medications like steroids can cause mood shifts like agitation and aggression.
- Pain or discomfort also can trigger anger and irritability. Sharing the symptoms with the medical team can help identify the cause and provide a remedy.
- It’s OK to set expectations and boundaries. For instance, when daddy is being a little reckless with his words, we remind him of our intolerance for his rough talk. The reminder (and help from momma) usually makes him stop. Every now and then, momma refuses to fully engage in her cognitive or physical activities. When that happens, I remind her that she didn’t let us do anything half-heartedly, so we won’t let her, either. That conversation usually makes her put forth more effort
- A caregiver’s approach may need adjusting to gain a better response. I know that if I walk into my parents’ home in drill-sergeant mode, I can bet on extreme resistance from daddy. If I slow down and soften my approach, I can better accomplish my mission of getting things done in a timely fashion.
- Addressing unresolved mental health issues may be the key to correcting undesired behaviors. Concerns should be shared with the primary-care physician, who may need to refer the patient to a specialist and/or therapist.
- Identify the care recipient’s triggers and try to avoid them. Some triggers, like bath time, can’t be avoided, but you can try different things to make them more palatable.
- It is very hard for me to tolerate mean behavior and mean-spirited individuals. In that situation, I probably would have to consider other options, like a senior-care home or bringing in professional help.
- Losing independence and depending solely on someone else can be devastating and cause someone to become angry. Be transparent about this with the doctor, who may suggest therapy and/or prescribe antidepressants.
And finally, prioritize self-care to maintain your physical and mental health. You can’t properly care for someone else if you do not take care of yourself.
