Gulf Coast Woman

By Stacey Riley

As a longtime advocate for survivors of interpersonal violence, I recognize that I continuously tote around a soap box and pull it out at any time someone needs educated about the realities of domestic violence or any time the gross mistreatment or misunderstanding of victims occurs. On these occasions, I have been able to identify approaches, intentional or unintentional, that either help or hurt victims. 

If you wish to be an advocate for those experiencing domestic violence, here are some dos and don’ts: 

DO: 

• Believe those who confide in you that they are being abused by an intimate partner. 
• Let him or her know that you are available to listen anytime. 
• Provide information to him or her on ways to get help. 
• Put the responsibility on the abuser, not the victim. 
• Hold the abuser accountable – call him or her out on the abuse. 
• Intervene in a safe manner when you see someone being abused in public. 
• Educate yourself on the dynamics of domestic violence. 
• Educate others on domestic violence. 
• For businesses: Implement policies for responding to employees who are being abused. 

DON’T: 

• Ask “Why do you stay?”
• Cut the victim off when he or she doesn’t leave the abuser. Isolation makes escape much more difficult. 
• Judge or blame – no one knows what they would do in any situation until they are faced with it. 
• Make excuses for the abuser. 
• Compare your situation to theirs. 
• Be silent when others need your voice. 

We all have the responsibility to shift social norms as they apply to responses to interpersonal violence. If you would like to know more about how to become an ambassador for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors and help implement dramatic, positive change, please contact The Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence at (228) 436-3809. 

Stacey Riley is the chief executive officer of the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence. Reach her at (228) 436-3809. 

By Myia Lane

To some, the recovery process of healing from domestic violence simply may involve walking away and moving forward. However, the process requires much more. Many survivors do not identify their strengths, nor are they ready to process the grief associated with ending certain relationships. Abusers come in the form of spouses, relatives and friends, and survivors oftentimes feel “trapped,” “incompetent,” or “helpless and hopeless” due to the significance of the relationship. 

“How did I allow myself to get/stay in a situation like this?” they may ask themselves. “Why did I stay so long?” 

In recovery, we work with survivors on their domestic abuse healing journey to help them forgive themselves. They are not to blame. They trusted someone who disrespected and abused that trust. So, the recovery looks like them choosing to take a moment to let it hurt, giving themselves grace to embrace their emotions and not feeling guilty or objectified by them. Then, it involves self-empowerment in our forward progression, which is a continuous process. 

At this stage, survivors often are asked, “What does choosing you without your titles look like?” It is hard to be forward-focused when they still have strong attachments or feelings; however, choosing safety is the goal. So, what strengths can they identify within themselves? For some, the only strength they have is, “I took a shower and brushed my teeth.” That is enough.” 

The recovery process is a “you” journey. It should be centered in self-preservation and self-awareness. Learn who you are as a person. Utilize coping skills, such as 4-7- 8 breathing (a technique where you take a deep breath in for four seconds, hold it for seven seconds then breathe out slowly for eight seconds), and make them a daily routine. Incorporate journaling in your schedule, and make these actions habits. 

For many survivors, the war within themselves is the toughest one to fight. Yet, for recovery, it is worth it. Connect with resources for therapy, social enjoyment and self-care. Your recovery needs you to be balanced. So, yes, you want to take care of your obligations while planning and securing safety; however, take time to restore your trust and enjoyment in yourself as well. 

Myia Lane, LMSW, is an adult counselor with the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence. Reach her at (228) 436-3809. 

By Gracey Freeman

When we think about domestic violence, we often envision physical or emotional abuse. What is rarely considered is how offenders use the justice system as an extension of abuse. One of the biggest challenges advocates and victims face is the lack of accountability placed on offenders and the transfer of blame to victims, creating an environment in which victims do not feel comfortable participating in or appearing for court. 

There are many reasons why victims do not appear or participate in court. Attending court for victims can be retraumatizing, knowing they will have to face their abuser. There are also financial considerations when victims must take multiple days off from work when defendants or their counsel request continuances that reset the case. Sometimes cases can be pushed months down the road until victims eventually give up, lose hope and stop appearing for court. Often, victims are gaslit into believing the abuse is their fault and may fear reprisal from the abuser for speaking up. Victims also fear that the abuser will not suffer substantial repercussions and the abuse will persist or worsen. 

When victims do appear in court, they face additional obstacles. Victims can be met with threats of retaliatory charges, or abusers may use court cases as an opportunity to make false claims or shift blame to the victim. Abusers have labeled my clients as drug addicts, alcoholics, adulterers or mentally ill to excuse the abuser’s actions, discredit victim testimony or dissuade the victim from continuing. Additionally, the court’s interactions with victims can make them question the utility of moving forward, especially when the risk can outweigh the benefit. 

I have witnessed prosecutors ask victims, “Why don’t you just block him?” after the abuser violated a domestic abuse protection order instead of placing accountability on the perpetrator. When abusers violate court orders with no consequences, it sends a message to victims that courts have no authority and will not be able to protect them. When prosecutors take the side of perpetrators, it sends the same message. 

Victims who reach out and come forward must be met with understanding, professionalism and support. Fortunately, the courts I serve allow me to provide safety planning, information and access to resources that assist victims to alleviate some of the stresses of court participation. However, there is still more to do, and as a community, we must stand collectively to promote offender accountability and victim safety in cases of domestic violence.

Gracey Freeman is Community Advocate with the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence. Reach her at (228) 436-3809.

By Mavis Creagh

What is love? One scripture passage explains, “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Another verse references laying down one’s life for a friend. Nowhere is it said that love should tear you down or torture your soul. However, domestic violence can do that and much more. 

In the book compilation, “My Walk Past Hell,” my chapter is titled “Hailraizer: Pain to Praise.” I compare domestic violence to bottling up Satan, and then the bottle explodes in flames. That’s how my life felt. My soul endured agony and despair daily. I felt trapped, isolated and alone. I had other people to turn to, but after being broken, embarrassed and ashamed, how could I be a great mother, career woman and community advocate while allowing someone to berate and belittle my spirit daily? 

My desire for affection caused me to forsake myself for an attempt at true love. I wish I would have listened to wise friends who asked, “Are you sure?” and been led by prayer when things didn’t seem right. But like many, I didn’t, and I landed in one of the most horrible mistakes of my life. 

Yes, I learned from this and other hellish situations, and I want to protect others from the mental, emotional and physical horror. I pray that those who abused me get help and don’t harm again. I have forgiven them. I used to think I was only involved in one toxic relationship until I learned that verbal, emotional and sexual assault were considered domestic violence. I became aware of the horrible cycle of allowing others to take from me what did not belong to them. Now I speak up boldly to be a voice for the voiceless and others experiencing what I have been through. 

I don’t cower when others try to make me feel ashamed or stupid for allowing myself to stay in situations. In my previous relationship, I believed we would be together forever and almost lost everything seeking love. For anyone who is reading this and believe you cannot make it without someone else in your life, that is a lie. You can survive and thrive without someone negating your worth and value. Some things are nonnegotiable, such as self-respect, self-love and dignity. You never should allow anyone to have that much power and control over you. 

Abuse can even be financial, such as withholding finances from the house and taking money to make you dependent. If you feel you are in imminent danger, physical or otherwise, please leave. I believe if I would have continued in my last abusive relationship, I would be dead, either by suicide or from my life being taken. That’s a sobering, but real, account of what domestic violence can do. 

Economic or marital status, education, gender and sexual orientation do not preclude someone from being in an abusive relationship; anyone can be affected. After leaving my abuser, I didn’t sever all ties because I was used to being connected. This caused me to experience more trauma even after leaving. I survived these experiences, but others have not after giving their abusers access to them and their homes after separation. 

It may be hard at first, but don’t look back. It’s been over three years for me, and I am grateful for everything the Most High has allowed me to witness on the other side of abuse. I’m a new homebuyer, business owner, author and grad student with fresh happiness, joy and peace. This did not happen overnight, and I still have my personal struggles. I would highly recommend therapy or counseling for anyone who has experienced abuse. It helped me tremendously and supports ongoing recovery. 

My peace, joy and happiness are worth more than a promise of love and marriage that was a lie. Love does not kick you at your lowest, beat you down and make you feel less-than. If anything I said sounds familiar to you or anyone you know, I encourage you to get out and get help. Your life could depend on it, and you deserve the love you have been desperately giving to everyone else. 

Mavis A. Creagh is an executive director, six-time best-selling author, speaker, consultant, mental health proponent, community champion, women’s advocate, entrepreneurial strategist, columnist and online show host. A prolific writer, she will release her first solo project later this year. Connect and learn more at www.mavisacreagh.com.