Today I watched a video on social media of a friend’s granddaughter baking cupcakes with her dad. Before he could finish demonstrating how to dip and pour the batter into the cupcake tin, the toddler started reaching for the dipper and said, “Let me do it. I want to do it.”
Little Karter’s quest for independence, and her excitement about making cupcakes on video, made me smile each time I watched it. It reminded me how most people, young and old alike, want independence and choice instead of having someone ‘just do it’ for them. Those are the very things that caregivers often take away in our attempt to provide for and protect our loved ones. Even I, who always encouraged independence and discovery as an instructor, find it easier and less time consuming to “just do it” for my parents. However, easier is not always best.
LET THEM DO WHAT THEY CAN
Because of previous strokes including one a couple of months ago, momma has limited mobility and problems sequencing. It is hard to watch her decide which movement or action she should do first to accomplish a task. I have forced myself to be patient and let her try until she asks for help or gets frustrated. I have seen both my parents improve physically, and a little bit cognitively, because they are allowed to be as independent as possible and encouraged to make decisions.
I’ve second guessed myself because some have hinted, or outright suggested, that I should help my parents more with tasks like getting dressed. While my parents don’t always want to make decisions and will accept almost any assistance I give them, I insist that they be as active as possible. This may help them live longer and increase their quality of life. It also may reduce the impact of ailments like hypertension and diabetes.
While my parents don’t always want to make decisions and will accept almost any assistance I give them, I insist that they be as active as possible. This may help them live longer and increase their quality of life.
Because momma can’t do as much as she could a year or so ago, I have adjusted my expectations, although I make the same requests. For example, I still ask her to remove her top, but I know she finds it more difficult to determine what to do with both hands. So, I assist to an extent and celebrate when she pulls the top over her head — although I may have to help remove her arms from the sleeves.
When daddy kicks out his feet for me to tie his shoes, I refuse and insist that he do it himself because he is more than capable. However, when his back is bothering him more than normal, I automatically intervene.
LITTLE CHOICES MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
We know that the little wins, like Karter stirring the cupcake batter, will lead to big wins like her eventually baking cupcakes alone. Likewise, we sometimes overly celebrate the little wins to increase the opportunity for big wins with my parents. Doing this encourages them to strive for independence. I am hopeful that one day soon, momma will be able to remove her pajama top without help again or walk from the living room to the bedroom with her walker.
Giving them choices also goes a long way.
Choices for momma often include:
- Which of these three nail polish colors would you like?
- Are we walking or rolling (transport chair) to the living room?
- Where would you like to sit in the living room today?
- Do you want to go sit in the living room or stay in bed a little longer?
- What do you want for dinner? (Her reply is typically, “Anything I don’t have to cook!”)
Daddy’s choices may include:
- Which of these two pairs of socks would you like to wear today?
- Would you like your coffee now or a little later?
- Momma is sitting up front. Would you like to join her?
- Would you like a salad or a hamburger for dinner?
- Although there are days when time is limited and commitments are many, we try to allow choice and encourage independence as much as we can based on their capabilities.
