Yesterday, I left my parents’ house without washing the dishes. It bothered me, but I walked out and tried not to look back. Although this chore was the last one to complete, I was exhausted. As I began filling the sink, I wiped sweat from my forehead, sighed deeply and turned off the water. I paused before switching off the kitchen light and walking out the door to go home. I felt guilty as I drove the short distance to my house, but I didn’t turn back and tried not to think about the sink full of dishes.
I’ve noticed that I often place undue pressure on myself in my caregiving, like making sure I do the dishes, wash, fold and put clothes away, clean the bathroom, vacuum, etc. I want everything to be just right at my parents’ home while I regularly leave things undone or incomplete at my own.
My husband has tried to tell me gently that sometimes, I do too much.
“You are acting like your daddy!” he jokes, who often does “too much,” especially when we are in a rush to get somewhere. Because I recognize my husband has a point, I’ve started sitting in the car during our quick trips to my parents’ hotrame to avoid getting sucked into the vortex of cleaning and shifting things around. I’m also trying to relieve some of the pressure to do it all in one visit.
On this particular visit, before making it home, I decided that I would wash the dishes later that evening. Having a plan to complete the task made it easier for me to sit and relax.
Some of you may be struggling similarly with stressors and undue pressure in your caregiving journey, so, let’s try some things to give ourselves some grace.
ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS CAN WAIT
Can the dishes wait? Probably. Instead of huffing through the chore, sit down to listen to an audible book of your choice, mindlessly scroll social media or rewatch your favorite television show.
When I need to declutter my mind, I find it helpful to rewatch episodes of one of my favorite shows. When I do that, I don’t have to pay close attention to keep up. And if I fall asleep or go down a social media rabbit hole while I watch, it’s no big deal because I haven’t missed anything.
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT
Hire or barter services with someone to do those chores that you don’t enjoy or struggle with. This will help reduce stress and allow you to be more present for those to whom you provide care.
We have someone who helps with house cleaning twice a month. Although I’d like to schedule her more often, I appreciate the deeper cleaning she does during those visits.
SET A SCHEDULE
Create a task schedule that works for you. For instance, I typically schedule linen changes, manicures/pedicures and bath scrubs for my parents on weekends when I am less constrained by time.
DIVIDE AND CONQUER
Decide who does what, and fill in the gaps as needed. My husband takes out the trash, and I wash and fold clothes. He may jump in to do the laundry but leave the clothes for me to fold and put away. We both wash the dishes. This division of duties organically happened and works well for us. My cousin, who assists during the week, helps where she sees a need.
GIVE YOURSELF GRACE
Know that as hard as you try, you will miss something. There will be times when you won’t always get it “right” in your caregiving. That’s OK. Holding yourself to unrealistic expectations can negatively impact the care you provide. Make time to rest to prevent exhaustion, health issues, and mistakes.
