Daniel-Hardy’s parents, Ruby and Lucious “Butch” Daniel
Sam Cooke may have said it best with his 1963 song, “A Change is Gonna Come.” Although Cooke was trying to further social justice due to the struggles that he, and others who looked like him, experienced, the lyrics also resonate in my caregiving journey. I’m sure other caregivers can relate and sing along with me.
I’ve crossed over to middle age and noticed changes within myself. Sometimes they are inexplicable, like going to sleep with no aches or pains only to awake with new discomforts and restrictions. My friends and I attribute this phenomenon to aging, which is probably how I can make sense of the changes that occur from day to day, week to week or even hour to hour with my parents, who are living with dementia.
Just when I have become comfortable with my parents’ dispositions and our established routines, something changes and disrupts my flow.
If I am being realistic about my journey with my parents, I should remember that change has been constant. Change often comes as drastic shifts and may be caused by medical or environmental factors, or just simple aging. For me, the disruption can be the difference between a 10-minute visit and an extended stay; instead of just escorting momma to the bathroom, I might have to spend time coaxing her out of bed or physically getting her out of bed and down the hall.
I thought I had momma figured out. If she behaved differently, I’d immediately check her blood sugar. Although I still do that first, I recently have discovered that sometimes momma’s drastic changes have nothing to do with hyperglycemia/ hypoglycemia. I’ve been noticing changes in her behavior and usual calm, compliant disposition even when her blood glucose levels are normal.
While I have not discussed this with her primary care doctor yet, the changes may be due to a new medication, dehydration caused by the new medication, normal aging, consumption of certain foods or beverages, progressing to a new stage of dementia or irritation caused by my demands and expectations.
Daddy always appreciates our assistance. However, he also is quite ornery much of the time. Unlike changes in momma’s disposition, we welcome a shift in daddy’s, as it is usually positive. However, I have noticed that he is most ornery when he grunts and winces, which indicates that he is in some discomfort (as he will not outright admit he is in pain), which could be causing his behavior.
I am learning to expect the unexpected, roll with the punches as they come, be more observant and pay attention to the subtle signs. I know it sounds cliche, but change is inevitable — and therefore should be expected.
While I think I have identified and accommodated the changes I see in my elderly parents, I know there are common conditions that occur simultaneously for many older adults. These conditions, however, do not mean that those blessed with older age can’t live a good, active life. They can live a life of leisure, share wisdom, pursue new passions and spend more time with their family and community. Even if their physical abilities, mental sharpness or both decline, participation in activities and events should be encouraged to avoid feelings of isolation.
Although we were hesitant, we took momma and daddy to a local high school graduation to see a young lady they helped rear. It took great effort to get them there, seated and back home, but momma grinned more than I’ve seen her grin in a while. She was still smiling when I dropped her off. Daddy seemed disconnected during the ceremony but perked up and commented when he heard Mariah’s name called to receive her diploma. The outing was good for them, and seeing her graduate made them proud.
When talking about age-related discomfort, momma always told us, “Just keep on living!” I now know what she means.
